Trigonometry humor… Is there anything better?
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
I was finally able to get my DVD player to stop playing.
I didn't think it was pause-able.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes…
Religion brought them together
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?” He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!