Trigonometry humor… Is there anything better?
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the TV’s joke?
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.