Triple Kill
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
“When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse" First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
