Troll faces make memes better
My invisibility, my choice
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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The final wife bad joke
Phone bad mom alone
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
My dad just shared this on Facebook 🤦♂️
What car do you drive in fall?
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Irony knocking at the gate
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
MAGAsplanation of the risk
What sort algorithm is this?
Almost every boomer comic simplified
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
….i would rather go with no ‘;’ 😂
How the Germans bailed out Greece
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
My dude just needs a helping hand
Fake Commercial #8 – Tin
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Groping good also happy birthday
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
Millennials in 2019
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
I have got a phd in quantum computing
What do you call a man with sore hands?
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Lakes do not curve. Seas do not curve. Oceans do not curve. Very simple.
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a blow job.” Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
Conservatives in a nutshell
It’s funny cuz it’s true.
This is a funny! 😂
Still Works though…
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
Technically not false
I couldn’t stop looking at his hands, so I made this.
Lock him up!
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog
Renaming mine to master-totally-not-the-slavery-kind
About as good as it gets
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
there’s a difference between tough and straight up insane tbh
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
But wait… So it’s not just a cold
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
Posted by a friend the same age as me (Gen X)
Covid 19 Neighborhood Post
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.