Trolley Go Brrrrrrrrrrr
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
Not all math puns are terrible.
Just sum.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
