Truck Fump! He totally botched this with incompetence!
I hate it when they say, “white people can’t dance”…
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
What’s red and bad for you’re teeth?
A Brick.
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
![[frowns in upside down]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/4ehe6q42lqd21-400x711.png)
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.
Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?” “For how much?” The businessman asks. “1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says. “1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him. “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!” “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly. “Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out! “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.” The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?” “I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a cheque, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind. After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears. “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman. “I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly. The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly: “M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
