Truck Fump! He totally botched this with incompetence!
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
The western world
A copypasta
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows." "Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown." "And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color." The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed." "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains. "Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here." The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs. The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay. "Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months…….
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
People think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."