Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
I am now independent.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
His blood tested positive for Coke.
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
Yes, we arson
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
Because they have little anty bodies
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says “Jason, you know I can’t serve Robins here”
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!" Then he beats him to death.
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Lunch is on me
Says he has always been able to count on them.
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
But he really saved the History channel.
I left my brownies in the oven too long
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.