A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
Quantum Earth Theory
haha wife ugly
Time to kick off an inflammation
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
Frontend vs Backend
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
BDE is a thing.
People are dying all around the world just to mess with your loser president *eye roll*
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
Yes, dad, we are all winning
Tweets that just keep on giving
Doing the Math
Poor thing (from facebook)
Wholesome Boomer (obviously edited btw)
Vi-sual Studio Code
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
Do boomers really think this stuff is funny?
Yeah I have OCD!
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
Reaction rate : stonks OC
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Boomers + country + humor =
Where my McPlasmid at tho?
I work with a lot of web developers
“For the love of God someone tell her it’s just a mushroom”
The Onion’s pretty great
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.” “Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.” Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…” The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.” “You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. “Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?” The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”. The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!” “Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
Inspired by my chemistry class yesterday
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
There’s no such thing as Scottish people.
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun…."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Not the best format but…
When u care about your health but also don’t care about your health.
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
Trump is a..
Listen 2020 don’t you do it …
Right can’t meem.
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
Ride with me,ride with me🇨🇦
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. ..
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
Every god damn time…
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde