True
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
The gynecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
I for one, like Roman numerals.
No text found
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
What did they call the race car driver who won with a hen strapped to the hood of his car?
Number One with a Pullet.
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.