She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
He got hammered
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
It doesn't last long for fat people
It’s pasture bedtime.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!” The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!” Edit: Thanks for the silver!
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
So I answered it.
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
The result speaks for itself.
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
So now it's just Minnea City
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book … and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"
I could do it with my eyes closed
But I called her Bluff.
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
A receding hare-line!
I love being a music teacher.
What a weird thing to lye about
…and orders everyone a round.
Ass skin for a friend.