True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
A house goes to the doctor complaining about its windows.
When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
A man goes to visit his friend…
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work…
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
Where does Black Panther stay when he’s in New York?
His wakondo.
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed.
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”