True in all aspects of life.
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her Iβm pretty good, but I donβt think Iβm ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
Did you hear about the girl so in love, sheβd rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!
My korean friend died last week
So Yung
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
My wifeβs 32 today but Iβm only allowed to celebrate my wifeβs birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.