True story
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
I'll hang around here. You go on ahead.
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world…
It's called Crystal Meh.
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
