Me: That's unclear.
He was a little chilly.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
I guess we are raised differently.
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
because he lost interest
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
I said that makes 2 of us.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
…and then I saw her face…
For my black jeep…
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
I'll hang around here. You go on ahead.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
It's called Crystal Meh.
Someone who’s career is in ruins
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.