True story: Today I got to sing one of my songs for Grammy-award winning engineer Andrew Scheps, whose expertise has led him to work with some of the most recognised music artists in existence.
Did you hear about the canine comedian?
His jokes are ruff
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
The other day I asked my mom how many ‘a couple’ was,
"Two or three" she said. I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
My dad always said “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
Power outages delight me.
No text found
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.