I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.
Username checks out.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
I bought the worst thesaurus today
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.
"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine!" He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer