True, very true
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
It’s April 1st…
Happy April Flu’s Day!
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A
Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better.. Me: But mom, I lov….. Mom: I was talking to her.
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”