I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.