Truly. Awful. People.
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
Just a random thought
Just a random thought
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.