Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Digging giant tunnels underground.
they are flashing behind you.
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
I have a complex complex complex.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Elongate would be really drawn out.
The blacks and the jews
Because camping is in tents.
She called me a cheap skate.
A pigment of your imagination
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
He still has the right to remain silent.
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
It was Khanage.
Seriously, how low can you go?
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.