Trump Dumb Tweet of the Day
Bcuz ppl dnt use full wrds thru txt.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Even they could understand this
closes organic chemistry book…….after a while…😅
What was the point?
my first programmer meme
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
How to remove an ink stain
When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
The kind of tutorials we need 🤷🏼♂️🥺
Gotta Love hypocrisy in the morning.
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
Apple fans will downvote
“My lord, is that… legal?”, I’ll make it legal. And very cool…”
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Husband just trying to enjoy the ride
The struggle is real.
Wanted to make sure everyone knows not to share this pic
Who cares about a few crashes here and there, right?
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
English Fail in Programming
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Things that make you go hmm.
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
This grown ass man
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
Suffering from directile dysfunction
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
I’m Copying Tom Scott
This Post has a Score of 148
Don’t miss the on the foot
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal — if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol… ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
CanI have a hug? Please?
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Working from home be like
Happens every time
Now we have something in common
Beautician to the left, hairdresser to the right
Headache & testicles
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him US$ 75,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need… A new Suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.' The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see… size 44 would fit fine. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see….. size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Not my first pick
Excel being dumped.
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
virgin TCP vs chad UDP
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
It be like that, all the time.
Face size: Momentous
You could say this about me as well….
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
Big dreams for both of them
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
Doing the Math
Spittin’ straight facts.
Trumps Welfare Lines
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Living while black
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test …
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Lovely Proposal by Programmer
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.