Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"
A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."
"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".
He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy."
"Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president.
Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy."
"That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?"
"Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
5 y/o me when I heard that two people with both the same name are in a serious relationship…
https://ift.tt/3cR7gIM
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."