Trump is the Ghengis Khan of lying
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
I want a divorce…
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
A man is lost in a hot air balloon
He sees a field below and descends to shout: "Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes." The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field" "Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist "I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man. "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone" To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management" The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew. "Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes…
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain