Trump made a woman pretend to be his daughter during the 69 btw.
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
It’s unthinkable
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
I just bought a dry-erase board
It’s remarkable!
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.