Trump nom noms on baby
I'm just not very good at it.
I'm really not a mourning person.
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
does that make you an iWitness?
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
A small medium at large.
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
…I still love vista baby.
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
To cover their butt quacks.
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
They are so full of themselves.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic. … Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
The walking debt.