Trump nom noms on baby
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
That Robert Pattinson meme really is everywhere!
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic. … Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
