Trump on coronavirus testing, March vs. April
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
I’m tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment…
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
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It’s not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart..
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.