Trump Presidency in a nutshell
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
Asked my bud what he’d do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.
He couldn't say
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she."
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
Woke up to my phone having a seizure because my dad kept sending me a dozen of these
https://ift.tt/37sNkcH
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2