Trump press conference decoder:
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
The results speak for themselves…
Remains to be seen
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
… Just had my Appendix removed.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
You drop him a line.
They're always getting laid.
…it made a bolt for the door.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
For keeping me off the streets
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
In Queso emergencies
But let me give it a shot.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
Something inside me says yes.
To look more ap-peel-ing!
Months of training wasted.
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
My house is full of light switches!
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Then……. it dawned on me
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
It's a day care scenter.
Probably came after his second word.
People say I'm mentally eel.
When the punchline becomes apparent.
7 up in cider.
but not by choice though
I've named him Alen.
A rip off.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."