Trump pulling out the big guns
To cover their butt quacks.
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
don't be elfish!
The motion was passed.
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
He said he could never part with it.
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
The teacher asks her “why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.” Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.” Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, “and why is that you’re late?!” Girl replies, “I was just blowing bubbles, sorry.” The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says “it’s ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,” the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks “now why don’t you introduce yourself to the class.” The boy shyly says “Hi, my name is Bubbles.”
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
I have a hunch it might be me.
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
They don’t know where home is.
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
When the punchline is a parent.
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
A rip off
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session. He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck. "If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass." The fat guy starts to chase the woman around the court. Unfortunately for him, the woman is too athletic and he cannot catch up to her. After an exhausting hour, he finally gives up. He heads home and discovers that he has lost 5 pounds. The next day, the fat guy decides to try again. This time, instead of one woman in the basketball court, it is 2 naked women. They both have to same sign around their necks. "if you catch us, you can fuck us in the ass." The fat guy again chases them around for 1 hour without success. At least he has lost another 5 pounds of weight. Seeing how effective the sessions are, the fat guy decides to book a premium session. The next day, he is taken to the basketball court again. This time, there are no women. Instead, there are 10 naked men with signs around their necks. "If we catch you, we get to fuck you in the ass."
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times