Trump the coronavirus
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Popular music funny.
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
Tech Support Sniper
A bridge too far
Loyalty to Trump takes priority over duty to country
This is just sad
The person who owns [email protected]
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
Python runs smoothly on this surface pro
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
This one’s not that bad tho
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Room temperature IQ
FAKE WIFE WITH FAKE BOOBS
A harsh reality
Suicide by Homicide
Climbing the ladder
Sometimes hope is a bad thing
Yeah the Democrats just hate him
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Can’t have it both ways.
Ps I hate my spouse
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
LOCK HIM UP
Self isolation against Corona Virus!
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
When you need to use 8 in your program
It don’t be like that sometimes
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
A variation on an old favorite?
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
Boomer posted this in the Satanist Facebook group I joined
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
My grandma’s Facebook timeline is riddled with stuff like this 😂
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
My 21 year old friend is a boomer and it makes me cringe
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
More like Ron Burnman …
A guy with a gun enters a bar, and asks “who the heck had sex with my wife ?!”
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
Swing and a miss… and a swing and a miss, etc.
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
“Out of touch” doesn’t even begin to describe it.
pirate good phone bad
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
Take us to school Donald…
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
He said decide so why not both
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.