Trump this morning…
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wonât notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. Thatâs because elephants never forget.
What does the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you canât see in the dark…
I was about to play cards after a long dayâs work, but I found the aces missing.
I just canât deal with this any more.
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said âLook, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the Presidentâs Desk and say âMr. President, I donât like the way youâre running our countryââ The Russian said âI can do the same thingâ The American was stunned and said âReally?â The Russian responded âYes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of Stateâs office, pound my fist on his desk and say âPresident Secretary of State, I donât like the way the American President is running their countryâ
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
âThank goodness,â he says. âIt was imaginary.â
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (Itâs a learning joke đ)
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
Whatâs the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner.
Waitress says, âWhat can I get you, Hun?â
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
My wife will not be happy…
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?" "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up. She said, âCome, get in my car. Iâll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.â "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come on, Iâm a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?" "Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You canât see in the dark