Trump Voter Challenge
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?” The gnat says, “gnat at all.” The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. ” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Bold to assume
to assume
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”