#TrumpBodyCount
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger