Trumpfield.
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh borg!
The First French Fries Werenโt Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.
My son asked me, โDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?โ I said, โGo on, then.โ He shouted, โNOT THE KRYPTONITE!โ I laughed, โThatโs Superman!โ
He replied, โThanks dad! Iโve been practicing a lot!"
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
I donโt want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
Whatโs up with dat!?
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
My wife hated that I didnโt have a sense of direction
So I packed my stuff up and right
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, โIโm Jesus Christ!โ The first priest shakes his head and replies, โNo, son, youโre not.โ He then turns to the second priest and says again, โIโm Jesus Christ!โ Again, the second priest replies, โNo, son, youโre not.โ The drunk man finally says, โFollow me, Iโll prove it too you!โ Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, โJesus Christ, youโre here again?!โ
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
Sheโs in for a rude awakening.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.