Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them…
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.