Trump’s new lawyer Trey Gowdy looks like a Harry Potter villain.
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa…
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
Please never ask me if something is electric
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
Know why Jedi don’t get married?
Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."