Trumps Welfare Lines
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do. Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula