Trust me, they can sing.
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
A random voice asked: “Have you recently had an accident that wasn’t your fault?”
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap