Truth
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Tedβs penis was twisted like a corkscrew. βBlimey,β Ed said. βIβve never seen one like that before.β βLike what?β Ted said. βAll twisted like a pigs tail,β Ed said. βWell whatβs yours like?β Ted said. βWell straight like normal,β Ed said. βI thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,β Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. βWhat did you do that for?β Ted said. βShaking off the excess drops,β Ed said. βLike normal.β βShit,β Ted said. βAnd all these years Iβve been wringing it!β
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
How much does it cost to park Santaβs sleigh?
Nothing. Itβs on the house.
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him βName?β βHans Mueller.β βPlace of residence?β βMunich.β βOccupation?β βNo, just vacation this time.β
Best laugh Iβve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinsonβs disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.