Truth hurts
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
Spicy Marriage
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
Ever tried blind archery?
You don't know what you are missing.
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin…
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What’s the national bird of Syria?
American drone.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the protest. In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them : "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
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My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
