My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
The White House Doormat
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
No text found
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
“Wait, that’s illegal”
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
Phones still bad.
And when you put it on, you become part of a cult!
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
JT Would Be Proud
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
Two books meet in a Library. One says ‘ You don’t look too well ‘ and the other replies..
… Just had my Appendix removed.
Wife bad. Doghouse good.
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
Looks like you couldn’t handle the Neutron Style 😎😎😎
Probably the only two things we can agree on
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
and kids… that’s how AI will take over the world
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
Teens only know how to swipe
My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
A wholesome edit for a change :)
This is from Japan’s leading news channel.
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Whales literally too big to get cancer
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
Documentation what a brilliant idea
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
What a time to be alive
Why the empty text bubble?
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
He did the math
Indian Coding YouTube 🙏🏾
Not gonna lie.
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
It really do be like that
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
A Turkish proverb.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
It’s not even funny
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
I’ve got a problem
Where do we start from!!!
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
unfortunate garbage truck placement
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
maybe maybe maybe
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.