Trying out the new dating app Timbr
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”
Then she did and my day was ruined.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Iowa Caucus Goers: Prove you caucused and get a cool flair!
Being able to decide who represents each party’s ticket is only part of what makes primaries and caucuses so important to participate in. Sure, you can voice your opinion online easier, but standing up and voting has the ability to make an actual impact in our democracy.To help recognize those who have done their duty and stood up to make their voices heard, we’re awarding user flairs to people who have caucused and voted during the primaries. To help alleviate our workload, we’re doing this in sections. Currently, we’re only giving users flair if they are Iowans who have caucused tonight.IOWANS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU CAUCUSED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cause you’re blocking the TV
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
