Trying to look smarter
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
3 blondes are lost in the desert
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
My wife is incredibly smart
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me “small penis no problem, small penis no problem”
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
