Trying to make a meme out of a serious topic and failing
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.