Tumblr strikes again
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
Time flies like an arrow,
and fruit flies like a banana.
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets.
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
My dad told me this just now
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
Why can’t bicycles stand on their own?
Because they’re two tired
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede