turn the tide..
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
Itβs annoying, but Iβm a big fan.
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
Why is Waldoβs shirt striped?
Canβt be spotted
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well Iβll be damned.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
https://ift.tt/3e90SO3
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big “everything under one roof” stores looking for a job.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When itβs full groan.
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.β