Turtles are slow

People will eventually get over it.

Problematic.

mathematics puns make me feel number.

A mirror.

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"

The rotation of the earth

At the party, impressed by both the monk's cooking skills, along with his manners and good looks, that she approached the monk, hoping to develop a friendship with him. They were quick to develop chemistry, and the girl's feelings evolved into love for the monk, who was close to her age. One day, the girl was dying to know if her feelings would be reciprocated, so she invited the monk over to her house. When he reached there, he was met by a beautiful woman in equally beautiful lingerie, and the girl professed her undying love for the monk. "I know you're probably a virgin, and that having sex is against your religion, so I understand if you don't feel the same," she said. Knowing that the monk would never give up the chance at Nirvana to be with her, she looked crestfallen until the monk took her to her bed and said, "I've lived my life a horny virgin. I love you, but losing my virginity means I'm going to have to lose an essential part of myself." "You don't mean you'll give up being a monk for me?" she said. "What?" the monk asked, very surprised. "No, now that I'm no longer a horny virgin, I have to delete my Reddit account."

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe. Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.

I don't see anything funny there.

No text found

An onion.

Because they have a supreme ruler

I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I’d have to change my name

There would be mass confusion.

Yes, it happens

"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

Flood lights

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

T‌‌he p‌‌oster r‌‌eads: "Must b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o t‌‌ype. M‌‌ust b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o p‌‌rogram. A‌‌nd m‌‌ust b‌‌e b‌‌ilingual. W‌‌e a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer." The d‌‌og t‌‌akes t‌‌he p‌‌oster i‌‌n h‌‌is m‌‌outh, a‌‌nd w‌‌alks i‌‌n. T‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌pots t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd d‌‌ecides t‌‌o h‌‌umour i‌‌t, p‌‌ulling u‌‌p a‌‌ c‌‌hair a‌‌nd a‌‌ c‌‌omputer w‌‌ith a‌‌ w‌‌ord p‌‌rocessor. "‌‌Alright, i‌‌f y‌‌ou w‌‌ant t‌‌o w‌‌ork h‌‌ere, y‌‌ou n‌‌eed t‌‌o f‌‌irst w‌‌rite a‌‌ l‌‌etter," a‌‌nd l‌‌eaves t‌‌he r‌‌oom. 30 m‌‌inutes l‌‌ater, h‌‌e c‌‌omes b‌‌ack i‌‌n, a‌‌nd t‌‌he d‌‌og h‌‌as t‌‌yped o‌‌ut a‌‌ c‌‌ompletely e‌‌rror-free l‌‌etter. "Well, I‌‌'ll b‌‌e. T‌‌his i‌‌s a‌‌ s‌‌mart d‌‌og. B‌‌ut c‌‌an h‌‌e p‌‌rogram?", h‌‌e a‌‌sks h‌‌imself. 20 m‌‌inutes p‌‌ass, a‌‌nd t‌‌he d‌‌og h‌‌as m‌‌ade a‌‌ p‌‌erfectly r‌‌unning w‌‌ebsite f‌‌or t‌‌he s‌‌tore. He l‌‌ooks, s‌‌hocked, a‌‌t t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Look, I‌‌ k‌‌now y‌‌ou h‌‌ave t‌‌he q‌‌ualifications, b‌‌ut, w‌‌ell… y‌‌ou're a‌‌ d‌‌og." The d‌‌og n‌‌udges t‌‌he w‌‌ords "‌‌We a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer" o‌‌n t‌‌he p‌‌oster, a‌‌nd t‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌ighs. "There's n‌‌o w‌‌ay y‌‌ou're b‌‌ilingual." The d‌‌og l‌‌ooks h‌‌im i‌‌n t‌‌he e‌‌yes, a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌Meow."

Long answer: yes.

And all you get is a hundred bee stings.

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It’s a vicious cycle.

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"

Now my wife wants a divorce.

Between you and me something smells.

The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…