TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.
They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.
I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.
I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. Even though we were both exhausted from what happened, we made love the whole night and that was the most passionate love I ever made in my life.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him."
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life."
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress… That kind of stuff."
I took a bath with bubbles
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Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
What a coincidence
What a coincidence
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
A guy and a girl are going to prom together.
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
“We did the biggest death. Many are saying the best most death they’ve ever seen”
https://ift.tt/3bAG0x3
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios…"
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…