Tv good
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
My son beat my neighbor in a marathon race.
He's now in custody for assault.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something…", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"… The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous!
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
I was finally able to get my DVD player to stop playing.
I didn't think it was pause-able.
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"