Tv murders book
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
One day a man goes to his wife and says “Honey, I’ve never said anything before, but I need to know. I’ve noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?”
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does." The husband says "Who is his father?" The wife says "You are."
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
I dunno if someone has found this before but I found it at a place im cleaning today
https://ift.tt/30ErCzz
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
What do you call a child born in a whore house?
A Brothel Sprout
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
