Twitter, it’s now or never
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors donβt socialize
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, βYou are under-aged. I canβt serve you beer.β The weasel asks, βWhat can I have?β The bartender replies, βI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.β βPop!β goes the weasel.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldnβt see himself doing it
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
A genie asked, “Whatβs your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"Whatβs your second wish, Rich?"
People often accuse me of βstealing otherβs jokesβ and being βa plagiarist.β
Their words, not mine.
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Landing on the Moon
In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. βWhat are you doing here?β the old man asked. βWe are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!β βThe Moon?! Hmm… could you then do me a favor?β βWhat do you want?β βWell, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.β βWhatβs the message?β The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly. βWhat does it mean?β asked the astronauts. βOh, I cannot tell you. Itβs a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.β The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message. When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off. βWhy are you laughing man, what does the message say?β 'It says – Donβt believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.β
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
What’s the definition of irony?
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, βWho just threw that?β The boy says, βMe! Iβm going home now.β
My townβs population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K