Twitter ruined me like omg i shouldnt find this funny๐๐๐๐
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasnโt a single person in there.
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
So if guns donโt kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters donโt toast toast toast toast toast?
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, thatโs not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smithโs are desperate to fuck…
So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine. After they finished with their twenty minute alone time, Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. โSo, Johnny, what did you find out?โ Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony… The Golds are busy repainting their apartment… And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.โ โWhat?! How do you know the Browns were… uh… making love?โ Mr. Smith asks. Johnny answers: โWell, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!โ
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital
One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary. "My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?" The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode." "Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead." With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick. "Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!" Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: โWell, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.โ
They say sex sells…
Probably because you canโt spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing…
They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." "Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."
A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates
The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didnโt like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun. The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, โHi Iโm Joe. Iโm here to pick up Flo. Weโre going to the show. Is she ready to go?โ The farmer liked him and let him go. The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, โHi Iโm Freddy. Iโm here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?โ The farmer liked him and he let him go. The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, โHi Iโm Chuck โ and the farmer shot him.